Depression at it’s best!


             Ever get to the point of who cares or  give a shit? I have many times and more so than most recently! When you don’t want to get up in the morning, cause you know your day will not go well or you have nothing to do, but sit around all day. Well welcome to my world!

Welcome to world of I don’t give a shit and who cares is what I say, I live it each day, same thing each day, get up have coffee,check a schedule for Doctor appointments, no Doctors then what the fuck to do hits.Then I live with a wife who doesn’t like me tone anymore, gets mad when she can’t hear and I raise my voice to make her hear. I see no one at all in my home except who lives here period. My best friend doesn’t come over anymore or even call cause he is afraid my wife will try to sell him Insurance thru primerica, sad huh! I know it sounds silly but it’s true!

My day goes as follows I get up, have coffee play a few games on Second Life and read news, Then my wife gets up says morning, stares at me for a few minutes tires of it and leaves to get tea. I have coffee and then we both sit in front of our computers her playing video card games and me, on second Life no one talks unless it is about the Bachelor Series on ABC TV. I used to DJ to big crowds every day in a club in Second Life called WildCat Country but now I don’t anymore my wife said I was doing it too much so I stopped. Sad huh? SO I try to play X-Box One once in a while can’t do it daily or without headphones my wife hates the noise. So that I do seldom now too.

I do the grocery shopping and costco shopping now, I get the mail daily and something out of the freezer for supper after I ask her, if I don’t ask then I am wrong for picking something out myself! can’t eat just pizza or fast food either she doesn’t want it, and she has to have potatoes every day for supper and some green veggie, guess who has to cook it each day? Yep, me! Fun huh?

Each morning she assembles our pills to take hers and mine in four little separate containers and hands me mine. I swallow mine with water, coffee or soda and go my way back to second Life on my PC and he rto her card games and news on hers. we sit less then ten feet away and if I make any noise so she can’t hear her game or the tv news when it is on I am told to be quiet so I don’t talk anymore. Sad huh!

In the meantime I get notes from her on little square pad paper, check the oil level, check the tire pressure on the cars, change the water filter or do the garbage and recyclables on Thursdays. I get twenty dollars a month for pocket change and I am not allowed to buy anything without asking her. Fun right?

Each day i wake up thinking what would be the easiest way to commit suicide and the least painless way to do so! I think hmm gun, no messy, knife nope hurt too much, suffocation nope, involuntary reaction kicks in and saves me. Drowning nope I don’t go near water, so thats out and I don’t own any weapons really. Pills is the next thought yes I can drug myself to death and go to sleep and never feel a thing again! Ah what a way to live huh, am I depressed folks you tell me?

Is this a way to live a life? I write blogs now and then and short stories from my life and the better or worse days I have lived thru. I have a lobe and one third less of my lungs due to cancer and am still kicking. My wife had breast cancer and I stayed and helped her survive and take care of her the best I can each day.She needs me to dry her feet after a shower I do it, she needs me to stand by while she showers I do it, she needs depends picked up and medication from the CVS I do it. she needs to go to a Doctor I take her or to her daughters or sisters I take her. In the meantime, I stay online in Second lIfe doing music and playing Greedy or playing X-Box one games and reading or doing puzzles. My excitement for the day is if I have to go shopping for groceries or to Costco, Nice huh?

Ah well, I shall see how long I can keep going this way is all, and who knows what will happen next! Not me!

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