Some of us say very little about ourselves, and we don’t tell everything to everyone, we hide facets of ourselves from the world so they can not judge, or pity us or laugh at us or whatever many do. We tend to keep good times as well as bad times close to our heart and we tend to smile when in pain or say nothing at all. Such has always been my way in my life, I never said to anyone what I really thought, I was taught to say publically one thing and privately keep my real thoughts to myself. You might call it a family trait, handed down through both parents. One did it to control all around her, yes dear old mom, the other did it out of being an introvert and shy and being passive. But in the end both had the same way of doing things and it showed when they died.
Personally, for me it started at five years old and still exists in me till this day at almost 59. I don’t force myself into conversations, nor do I try to dominate them. I stand by and wait my turn, when in groups, or at least until someone asks for my opinion. I have never been one to take control or push anything unless I ha dto, like in the military when they look at you and go your the higher rank, you have to do it. So I did.
Here is the point of this conversation for you all. Would you if sick, tell everyone, or if you knew what no one else can know about your own health, broadcast it to everyone you knew? Some maybe would, me I just do what i was taught all my life, shut up and handle it quietly on my own. So, thats how life goes for me, I cough my head off, and rip the protective layer from mt throat each day, I vomit in my own throat and swallow it and say nothing to anyone, I suffer and find it hard to breathe at times when I walk or run to my own mailbox on the street, yet I keep going. Do i worry about it, not really for I was taught at a young age, we all die at some point, and we all have our own time to go. have I thought about what could be on the other side when I die, of course doing we all, but I believe we do not control our time here on earth, we only live it till our mission we were put here to do are completed by us. Then we return to from which we came and rest until needed again. I know many don’t have the same thoughts or ideas on death, but these are mine, and thats all there is to it.
As I close in on 59 years old in January, and see things slowly changing health wise for myself and knowing my family history on the medical side, well I know what is coming in my mind at least. As my throat fills with vomit and bile and my stomache aches and my bowels stop up some I know, I can’t last forever. I know, a body can only fight so long to save itself, unless it’s own protection systems stop reacting properly and shut down on you. It’s just a physical matter of fact folks, the human body is a miracle yes, but it wasn’t created to last forever was it? It does begin to fail over time and such is the case of mine really. My Attention deficit disorder in my youth started it slowly and I overcame. It was preceded by Seizures as a baby, 199 in all, they were overcome by accident when I fell from a high chair. Yet, I kept going, I was never accepted by my family or the neighborhood kids or kids in school. It was just me, i was an outcast to many for sure. yet I survived that too.
Point being, it was the same all my life struggle through, survive and make it work. In the end what carried me through to this far is something my step-father told me as a child, and I quote, ” You can do anything you put your mind to to do, if you stick with it and see it through!” He was right and I admired him for saying so back when I was a kid and I lived my life by it. Thanks Dad, you were there, although not always right in how you did things, that one you got right! If it wasn’t for my Step-dad’s being there who knows what I would have become or if I would have even survived to this day.
But what would you say today Dad, to my being here still going on 59, and outliving you who died at 58, or in catching up with mom’s age at her death, or my out living my real father? What would you say to me today dad, if you saw my home, or knew my second wife, or saw how my daughters and grandchildren are today. What would you say to me surviving 6 herniated discs, PTSD, and more. What would you say to my surviving Lung cancer and still kicking today? I think I know, how you would stand there hands on hips, that serious look on your face with your goatee and bald head and smile at me, and say good job. That is who you were, tough but fair to a point and proud when ya saw us all do right. Thank You!